It has been an interesting week in rumors.

First the managers!

Hoffenheim will say goodbye to Ralf Rangnick because he wants to spend money this summer. They will then say hello to Jurgen Klinsmann, who is the epitome of frugality. After all, he only forced Bayern to rebuild it’s training facility.

Meanwhile the possessors of Klinsmann’s Buddha statues look certain to fill his vacancy with AZ’s Louis Van Gaal who must be dreaming of the Europa league.

And as the man Bayern fired for being too successful looks certain to join Schalke after working wonders at Wolfsburg, the Wolves are sniffing around Frank Rijkaard. It is a testament to how good Magath is that we can hear a rumor like than and not laugh.

As for the players.

Bayern Munich.
So in the same week we heard that Bayern couldn’t afford to meet the €10 million evaluation by Fiorentina for Sebastian Frey, we heard that they are going to spend €26 million on Werder’s Diego to replace Frey’s buddy Franck Ribery. But not to worry for the cash-strapped Bavarians. Manchester United want to spend €62.5 million on their French wizard, which should allow them to buy a replacement and hopefully stay solvent.

It will even allow them to spend €5 million on Tom Huddlestone of Tottenham Hotspur. However, that ridiculous rumor is predicated on Martin Jol being the next manager. What nobody has asked, is why hasn’t Jol made a play for his former starlet at Hamburg yet.

Borussia Monchengladbach
Marko Marin, who should be higher on most radars than Edin Dzeko, as he will leave if Gladbach are relegated, has only been linked with Hamburg so far. And that’s under the assumption that they are going to lose Piotr Trochowski to Everton or Arsenal. At €9 million, I can’t believe this kid hasn’t been linked with just about every club in Europe. I would love to see him at Spurs.

Werder Bremen
Diego! Please pick a team already. You and Ribery are boring me to tears.

Wolfsburg
Edin Dzeko has fooled everyone in England into thinking he’s the next big thing. While he has a lot of potential, he has Misomivic and Grafite to make him look good presently. So someone in England is going to overspend on him, only to find that he’s actually still a work-in-progress. Don’t get me wrong, he has the potential to be a great player, but he’s not there yet and English teams aren’t patient enough typically to see him through to his full development.

Bayer Leverkusen
The Werkself picked up Sami Hyypia on a free. Fantastic signing, but does that mean the end of Henrique?

Hertha Berlin
Auxerre forward Benoit Pedretti is being heavily linked with the capital club, who will be desperate for a forward if Pantelic leaves and Voronin returns to Liverpool.

Stuttgart
The return of the prodigal son seems imminent as Alexandre Hleb looks set to leave Barcelona’s bench. I’m not sure he’ll be much more than a sub at Stuttgart though.

Hannover 96
Wolfsburg Alexander Madlung, who is available on a free, is close to joining the reds, if HSV doesn’t make a last minute offer.

I am going through the process of learning German and while finding the toilet is always nice, it really doesn’t help when it comes to the reason I want to learn the language: Fußball. So here are seven random words for you who don’t know German to learn. You will come across them on occasion. And if not written by me, there’s a good chance they will be used properly.

1. Tor) This is a goal and the name of the definitive English language book on the German game by Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger. Hertha Berlin’s sensitive fans need not learn the word as it a fairly meaningless concept to them, like teaching a dog the word for galaxy. Sure they can look up and see one in the sky, but when your biggest thrill is smelling your own crack, there’s little point.

2. Hinrunde/Rückrunde) The Bundesliga is split evenly by a very long winter break. So the first 17 games are called the Hinrunde. The second half of the season is the Rückrunde. The winter break is just called “Annoying”.

3. Meisterschaft) Championship! An approximation of the compound word is top team, although it works equally well in a cruder translation for Bayern Munich as they are a bunch of cock monkeys (schaft has the same connotation in English and German).

4. Dreierkette) This is a defense with a three-man back-line. Why is this important? Because it was the standard until, a then 40 year old, Ralf Rangnick introduced a flat back four to the Bundesliga. It is called the Veierkette and Klinsmann has been known to club baby seals at it’s uttering.

5. Jack Wolfskin) This is literally a crazy man living in the Black Forest who is into skinning wolves and self-promotion. Okay….it’s a sporting good’s chain that you see advertised everywhere. But admit it, you wanted to believe my story.

6. Punkte) Points! But many KSC supporters will feel that Ashton Kushter is Punkte-ng them at the moment.

7. Torschützenkönig) While Torjäger means goal scorer and you will see tables referring to the top goal tally under the banner of that name, the title at season’s end is called Torschützenkönig. It’s also a term that roughly translates into “Nice job, but you ain’t Gerd fucking Muller, are you?”

Finally Dusseldorf has come good for visiting dignitaries Bayer Leverkusen. After a poor run of form in the league at the LTU, the Werkself took apart Bayern Munich 4–2 in their temporary home to gain passage to the final four of the DFB Pokal.

Klinsmann tinkered with his lineup a bit as congestion is building up for the Bavarian giants. He pulled Ze Roberto into the left back position to try and shore up a weak position and used Ottl as his replacement in the double six. He then went with a 4–2-3–1 with Klose giving Toni a rest. Overall a pretty strong starting XI, especially as Bayern have long been better suited to this formation, rather than the 4–4-2.

With this in mind, Bayer made easy work of Bayern, slicing through the holders to a 3–0 lead off goals by Helmes, Arturo Vidal and Barnetta. After the third goal, Bayer took their foot off the gas, and almost paid the price as Klinsmann’s substitutions worked wonders and they pulled two goals back in two minutes. The first came when Adler flopped at a cross that Lucio put away and the second came when Klose was left unmarked in the area to finish a perfect Ribery cross.

The final 15 minutes was tense for the home side, with Adler making a couple of superb saves and the defense rediscovering their focus, but a fourth goal from the tireless Kiessling secured passage for Bayer. Bruno Labbadia joins Martin Jol and Thomas Schaaf in the semis.

Hamburg beat Wehen 2–1 at home. But a strong lead was almost squandered in this game, just as it had been in the headline game, when Frank Rost mishandled an easy Schwartz shot to pull the visitors within one with 3 minutes to go. As it stands, a first half goal by Petric and an own goal by Wehen’s Kopilas was enough to see the Dinosaurs through.

Meanwhile, Werder seems to have risen from the ashes after their come back against A.C. Milan and found their scoring touch. They put five past a hot Wolfsburg side at the VW. The game saw braces by Dzeko, Diego and Pizarro in a 7 goal thriller with Werder booking their place in the semis by a score of 5–2.

They are joined by Mainz who upset Schalke last night.

I doubt many people expected Cologne’s visit to Allianz to produce one of the best games of the weekend, but Christophe Daum and his scrappy side went to Munich (with only one win in their last 15 visits) and shocked the Bavarians. Two beautifully crafted counters along with 45 minutes of organized defending was the formula for the Billy Goats. But one cannot look past the egregious call made 13 minutes into the game that would have changed the look of this game significantly.

However, the poor decision by the linesman should not clear Bayern of a woeful display in front of their faithful, and it should definitely not take away from an inspiring performance by Cologne. The win breaks a streak of four straight draws and sets the promoted side 10 points clear of the drop zone, which should clear them of any further worries. Meanwhile, the favorites lost their fifth game of the season (3 more than the whole of last year) and they now have allowed as many goals as bottom-dwelling Gladbach at home. Defense is a big issue, and it would seem that they might possibly be the least likely of the “group of six” to end up with the title come season’s end.

Seven Random Facts about Bayern and Cologne

1. Offsides

So Babak Rafati interprets the rule for offside differently? In his world, any pass, whether its from your own player, or glanced off say the head of a defender like Kevin McKenna, counts toward the attacking player’s position. Had Klose’s goal been allowed to stand, rightfully, how different the game might have been. Cologne were playing a simple counter attack, which could be expected of any underdog away side. But had they been forced to chase the game, especially so early on, this tactic would have had to been abandoned and Bayern would have had more organization. Thus Cologne would not have been able to exploit the bevy of holes in the Klinsmann’s defense.

Regardless, the most impressive part of this goal was that, despite the deflection by McKenna, Klose kept his concentration, adjusted his angle on the ball and finished the goal. It’s too bad it didn’t stand on it’s merit alone.

2. The Modern “M”

We call it at 4–3-3. It is closer to a 4–5-1. But the truth is that Daum has set out a modern M (without the W) in his midfield. It looks like this:

In our haste to define systems in a slightly rigid way, it is interesting to note that Daum is doing something completely different. And it is working. It is easy to look at Petit and say he’s a DM, but he’s not playing that Makalele type role that we have come accustomed to defining the position by. He plays higher up, breaking up play before it can get to the deeper lying Brosinski and Pezzoni. And play does flow through him, unlike a typical holder. And with him obviously capable of tracking back, the deeper midfielders do have license to get forward. Brosinski was able to get forward and was pivotal to both goals. I’ve seen Pezzoni do the same, although today he was more committed to defense.

3. Brosinski and Brecko on the right

First, you do not need to check their pockets for Franck Ribery. Few could completely nullify the diminutive Frenchman. But the two of them had an objective, which was to crowd Ribery’s space, and they did a spectacular job of it. Ribery was still a danger, but Brecko shadowed him the entire game on the wing and Brosinski covered the channel. Ribery was not the factor we have come to expect as he wasn’t able to run at the defense and he was often forced into hurrying his passes. These two showed that tenacity is enough to limit Ribery’s impact and give any team a chance.

4. The Sweet Counter

A nice counter attack is a beautiful thing. Cologne’s first goal came of a fantastic one, led by their new signing and Ribery agitator, Daniel Brosinski. Podolski was stripped of the ball by Brosinski who then threads a pass to Vucicevic through three Bayern players. Vucicevic plays two give-and-go’s with Petit in his own half and Novakovic in Bayern’s half that covers and third of the pitch and sets him free in front of Bayern’s defense. Ehret meanwhile ghosts in from the left. Oddo fails to follow and Dimichelis, who had a poor match, does nothing to stop the Frenchman’s run. Vucicevic threads a nifty pass into space and the angling Ehret gets to ball and slots it in to the far post for the first goal.

Cologne\‘s First Goal

5. Speaking of Ehret

Perhaps Klinsmann was trying to get the best out of Podolski by playing him against his former/future club. Rather than inspiring the Clownprinz, what he did was inspire Fabrice Ehret, who had a blinding game. He looks to occupy Podolski’s position in Daum’s modern “M” and I don’t see Podolski being able to win the position as he doesn’t have Ehret’s tactical acumen. Ehret is a better player, at the moment, and Podolski could face an uphill battle to unseat him. It seem he’s bound for a similar situation in Cologne to the one he faces in Munich. As the saying goes, “never go back”.

6. Like for Like

Klinsmann tactic’s are going to be heavily analyzed as Bayern go into full scale crisis mode. However, it’s justified to blame them. While he set out a system that should have worked, it wasn’t. And rather than changing it, he only swapped pieces. Ribery was never moved to the center where he might have benefited from the change. He stuck to two strikers, when one or three might have caused McKenna and Geromel to change their stations. And he stuck with a back four when it was obvious that Cologne had set up shot to protect the lead.

His substitutions were all like for like with Donovan coming in for Podolski, Altintop for Schweinsteiger and Borowski for Ze Roberto. All three substitutions were like for like, rather an attempt to change the dynamics. It was either arrogance or stupidity and it did cost them the game. Not as much as the non-goal, but still.

7. Lucky

Due to the fantastic effort by the whole of the Cologne side, I find it rather hard to say that they were very lucky to win this game. While the goal-that-wasn’t isn’t their fault and they took advantage of the gift, I don’t think Daum was smart to set 10 behind the ball for 45 minutes. He got away with it, but when you defend a lead (with no care to increase your lead) for an entire half against a decent side, let alone Bayern Munich, you have to consider yourself lucky to get the full 3 points. While Bayern did pull one back late, they had a dozen build ups that should have resulted in the leveler and winner. Geromel and Mondragon were on top form, but they rode their luck to the victory.

Blue days at the Allianz

Bate and Bayern had the same idea in the second halves of their respective matches. Hold on for a home draw. However unlike Bate, Bayern Munich happened to be one of the 10 richest clubs in the world. Lyon visited the Allianz tonight and scraped by with a 1–1 draw against FC Bayern thanks in part to an own goal by DiMichelis; however, it more so due to a startling lack of immediacy on the part of Jurgen Klinsmann.

Bayern leveled in the 52’ when Oddo threaded a ball to Klose at the edge of the box, which the German international took to the by line and let fly across goal. Toni made a superb run than sucked in two defenders, leaving plenty of space for the ghosting Ze Roberto to run into and head the ball in for the equalizer. Things looked on the up for under fire trainer.

Oddly, after that, Bayern seemed content to sit on the point for certain, while hoping for a gift in two more. They completely dominated possession throughout the match. They had a significant advantage in shots, corners and free kicks, but as they visibly tired, there was no cavalry for the rescue and thus no win.

What they lacked was change.

Ratings for FC Bayern
Toni: 5.5 – Maybe its bad luck, but he’s just missing too many chances.
Klose:8 – Energetic throughout and created many opportunities.
Ribery:6.5 – Lively, but forced to the fringes by Toulalan. Visibly tired early in the second half.
Scweinsteiger:5 — Much like Ribery was forced out of the game but even on the wings he provided little.
Ze Roberto:9 — The suggestion that he has lost his legs is absurd. Covered more ground than anyone and scored the equalizer.
Demichelis:8.5 — Mark Van Bommel just lost a job. Didn’t put a foot wrong as DM. Unfortunately did put his head wrong once.
Lahm:7 — Solid coming forward and I think I saw him defend once or twice.
Oddo:4.5 — Crossing was rubbish to the point of being comical. Ran his socks off but was done late.
Lucio:6 — Hard to judge as Lyon weren’t attacking. But didn’t do anything wrong.
Breno:6 — See above
Riensing:6.5 — Little to do, but after recent events, doing his job when called upon is a good thing for the young keeper.
Borowski: N/A — And we will get to this

Either/Or
It’s really this simple. Klose works well with Podolski. Toni works well on his own with Ribery working behind him. Mixing and matching outside of those parameters becomes a formula for frustration. So either go with the 4–2-3–1 with Toni holding as I keep harping upon; or, bench Toni and play two complementary forwards. It ain’t rocket science.

Out of Ideas?
Borowski was the only sub made by Klinsmann and it was in the 83′. Do you know what an 83′ substitution is called? Time-wasting!

There was quite simply no plan B. He played a strong lineup. I liked the very Spanish 4–4-2 he employed. It gave Bayern possession and chances. But this is a team lacking confidence. So some of those chances were squandered. So rather than seeing that his opponent was playing a very conservative counter-attacking system which clogged the middle, he left well enough alone. He passed on a chance to shake things up to help them get the boost of confidence.

Ze Roberto and Demichelis both performed excellently tonight. But one would have sufficed. Klinsmann didn’t need a double pivot when he wasn’t facing an attack. The obvious thing to do is sacrifice one for an attacker: Borowski, Sosa or Podolski. With three in attack, Toulalan can’t focus on Ribery and Makoun can’t focus on Schweinsteiger. The new variable forces change to the organization of Lyon and frees someone to get the ball down the center channel. This should have been done at the half.

Also Ribery is just returning from a long lay-off. Oddo has just joined the team. Both of these players faded midway through the second half. Rather than putting on fresh legs to run at the defense minded French, Klinsmann did nothing and their input into the game deteriorated as his chances at full points went down the drain.

Tactics isn’t change for change sake. It’s recognizing the opposition and responding. Klinsmann failed on this measure tonight.

Jermey Toulalan
What an amazing game this guy had. He would not allow Ribery to roam. He closed down the left channel inwards and forced Ribery to the periphery. It should be something Bundesliga trainers take note of. However, Toulalan is also one of the classiest defensive mids around, so don’t expect all clubs to replicate his performance. Also he plays the simple pass, which is nice. Bayer 04 should take note. Toulalan was easily man of the match over both DiMichelis and Ze Roberto.

Lyon’s Tactics
Here was Claude Puel’s talk with the team before the game.

“Try to get fouled about 50 yards from goal. We will use Juninho’s set piece ability to devastate them.”

Well at least that’s how it played out. Juninho’s free-kicks were the only offense Lyon attempted other than a couple of counters where they literally didn’t know what to do once they had broken behind Bayern’s defense.

Playing for an away draw is common, but this was so cynical that even Ranger’s Walter Smith called it insipid. But it worked because of a lucky bounce and the fact that Klinsmann refused to react.

Apologies
I’m not a fan of Lucio, but he had a strong game tonight. Little to do, but more than capable when needed. He limited his runs and thus didn’t leave Breno stranded. Three or four times a year, I have to do this. But before long he will return to the center-back who wanted to be Pele and things will go sour.

You call this a formation?

Seven notes on Werder dismantlement of FC Bayern at the Allianz.

1. Stereotyping

A defensive player usually makes an attack-minded coach and an attacking player usually makes a defense-minded coach. Granted, there are exceptions such as the Bruno Labbadia’s of this world, but the general rule of thumb holds enough merit to overcome the fact that Rinus Michaels was a forward and Helenio Herrera was a defender.

Looking at some of the more attack minded coaches, we see that Rijkaard was a holding mid and Arsene Wenger was a defender. Laurent Blanc, a great center-half, is committed to attacking football at Bordeaux. Martin Jol was a defensive midfielder and Croatian manager Slavan Bilic was a defender. Bill Nicholson and Ernst Happel were both center-halves. And Werder trainer Thomas Schaaf, the ex-hardman, has long been the most attack-minded manager in the Bundesliga.

Up until the Euro’s, Marco Van Basten’s time at the Oranje was marked by dour football. Mark Hughes played such negative football at Blackburn, it was unwatchable. George Graham, he of the 1–0 to the Arsenal, was a forward. Fabio Capello, who was an attacking midfielder, is known for uninspiring football. Much like another Spurs attacker, Glen Hoddle, it seems that Jurgen Klinsmann is focused on defense and specifically a five man back line.

It’s Catenaccio football, plain and simple. No matter how you dress it up, any description of it as forward thinking or attacking is a lie. It’s a sweeper system and it’s dour.

2. Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

Just this past Friday, I suggested a 5–3-2 with a double pivot as a defensive formation against a fluid attacking team for an injury depleted Hannover. I take it back. For that matter, I am done from this day forward with a five man back line. It’s a flat back four for me. The five man back line just leaves you weak in the midfield, especially in a time of five man mid-fields.

For Klinsmann, this system was a disaster. Lucio was too quick to break ranks and join the attack. So when the fullbacks and Lucio pushed forward, strength quickly turned into weakness with just DiMichelis and Van Buyten holding the fort. Lahm and Lell, while competent, fullbacks, are no substitute for true midfielders. And with only Toni, Schweinsteiger and Podolsi committed to attack, the formation stunk of 5–2-1–2. His midfield was overrun and Toni was picking up the ball deep in the midfield for most of the first half.

There have been many suggestions that had Toni converted his early chance, the game would have been different. I seriously doubt that, because clearly the system wasn’t designed for possession, which suits a creative team such as Werder. On top of that with deep lying midfielders and five defenders, the system was incapable of handling the ability of Diego and Ozil to pull out defenders and then exploit the open spaces.

3. I am the Great and Powerful OZ!

Then again, I have said since the beginning of last year that this was a team built for the 4–2-3–1, which then became the fashion at Euro 2008. And it’s still true to this day. They have two good holders in Van Bommel and Ze Roberto. They have fluid attackers that can play across the pitch. They have one of the three best solo forwards in the world in Luca Toni.

Just look at how more fluidly they played when Sosa and Borowski had joined Scweinsteiger as AMs. Granted it was a five goal deficit at that point, but had those two been out there from the beginning then Vranjes and Baumann would have been pinned back and Boenisch would not have been allowed the freedom to support Ozil down the left. In addition, they could have forced Diego and Ozil deeper into attack where Ze Roberto and Van Bommel could have handled them more efficiently.

4. Speaking of Magic in Oz(il)

I could understand why Schalke gave up on Mesut Ozil. He never really inspired confidence while playing for the Royal Blues. Something has clearly changed at Werder Bremen. He is on purple patch of epic proportion this season. Perhaps he had a change in attitude after Schalke’s parting dig to his lack of heart.

However, I think he just moved from a system where he didn’t work to a system where he does. At Schalke, he never played in a four man midfield. It was always a 4–5-1 or 4–3-3. He’s a speedy and creative attacking mid. In a 4–5-1, his channels were clogged. In a 4–3-3, he was stranded. Now he’s part of a 4–4-2, with a brilliant conductor in Diego to supply him with the ball in menacing positions. No longer expected to just run at defenses, he is now allowed to create from anywhere on the pitch. His best pass in this game may have been a flick on from deep in his own third to start a counter.

I’m happy to see him flourishing as he was such a bright prospect, who seemed to fade away last year.

5. Are You Kidding Me?

Michael Rensing has taken way too much blame for this loss. Astronomically way too much blame. Did he have a bad game? No. He had a bad second half. Should Bayern give up on him? God No! Will they? Hell yes. And he will go onto another club and eventually become an outstanding goalie. The kid is 24 years old, which is extremely young for the position, and replacing an absolute legend. He was always going to have some rough patches this year. Rather than giving up on him, everyone should take a breath and give the young keeper time to mature.

Goal #1
Lucio steps way too far ahead. Ozil threads a beautiful pass (nutmegging DiMichelis) to Rosenborg who is grafting freely between the nutmegged and Van Buyton. Rensing makes himself big as he takes on the charging forward, but Rosenborg gets it by him. Not his fault!

Goal #2

Ozil supplies a low trajectory cross to Per Metesacker. Perhaps Rensing could have come out for the ball, but the low trajectory and Metesacker’s run make it a dodgy proposition. Rensing holds his line, Van Buyten loses Per and he’s able to get a foot to the ball. Rensing saves, but Naldo is there to clean up with Schweinsteiger, Dimechelis and Lucio immobile as the two Werder center-halves run unabated through their area. Not his fault!

Goal #3
A rocket by Ozil to the upper right corner. No way Rensing, in fact any keeper, gets to this ball. Lucio and Oddo, having seen Ozil light up the game in the first half, decide not to close down on the MOM. Not his fault!

Goal #4
Now completely at a loss, Rensing makes his first blunder. As Van Bommel allows Rosenborg to get to the byline, DiMichelis makes a half-hearted attempt to close down. He lets Rosenborg thread a pass to Pizarro, who is too strong for Lahm at his back. Rensing is close to the play and moves too late and then allows his near post to be exploited. His fault!

Goal #5
Some call this one a gift. But once again the defense let Rensing down. Per Metesacker is completely open on the free-kick. Rensing attacks the ball but misses it. Per’s threat is neutralized. However the ball falls to Rosenborg, who is free between an uninterested Lahm and Van Bommel and easily slots in the loose ball. Bad luck!

6. The Biggest Loser

Lucio is a liability. DiMichelis is only “world class” as Rummenigge described, if Van Buytun is too. By the way, he isn’t.

So by next summer, Bayern are going to have to rethink their back-line. My gut feeling is that Dortmund loaned Mats Hummels will be brought back and given time to fashion an actual “world class” midfield with Brazilian Breno. Hummels is already better than all three of Klinsmann’s center-halves at the wee age of 19.

This is a shame for Dormund as Hummels and Subotic are the most exciting pairing to come along in ages. Any chances of turning the loan into a permanent deal are being eroded by the play of FC Bayern and the outstanding form of Hummels.

7. Europe Ahoy!

On the plus side, this uber-defensive style should see Bayern make a serious run in Europe, where defense wins.

Having had the time to digest Bayern’s 2–5 mauling by Bremen (no need to rehash things here, if you need a refresher check out the excellent post at Deutsche Welle’s Ballspiel or the video highlights at 101 Great Goals), I wanted to know exactly how bad it was for the Bavarians. No matter what your feelings regarding the team, it’s difficult to argue with the dismal performances by the entire team from Rensing forward. But simply acknowledging this poor display as such and moving on wasn’t enough. As a (future) historian, I gleefully dove into the archives of previous seasons looking for something, anything, comparable in shame to what happened in Munich. I didn’t have to look too hard. Over the past decade Bremen have hammered a number of teams by at least four goals away from home, so Bayern’s 3 goal deficit shouldn’t look too bad. In chronological order:

In 1999/2000 Wolfsburg went down 2–7
In 2001/2002 Hamburg were shutout 0–4
In 2003/2004 Hannover scored only a single consolation goal in their 1–5 defeat
In 2006/2007 Both Frankfurt (2–6) and Bochum (0–6) conceded six to Bremen

See, Jürgen, it could be worse. Wait, what’s that? Bayern had lost only 9 times at home to domestic opposition over the last 10 years? And then not by more than two goals in any of those defeats? Bremen have now defeated Bayern 4 times (with 3 draws) in Munich since the 1998/1999 season. As you might imagine, that’s best record against the Reds in the league.

So, how far back must one go to discover a display of comparable ineptitude by Bayern at home? Set the radio on your time machine to the Bee Gees and Donna Summer we’re off to the 70s. Back to the 1978/1979 season where, in anticipation of Disco Demolition Night later that summer, Bayern were, well, themselves demolished  4–0 on an inglorious March afternoon at the Olympiastadion. It would not be unreasonable to assume this drubbing came at the hands of Hamburg, the eventual champions, and home to European Footballer of the Year Kevin Keegan. Not quite. Actually it was Arminia Bielefeld (!), relegated at season’s end, who came away with three points and four goals that day.

So Jürgen, I warned you earlier this summer that the Bayern board doesn’t look kindly upon failure. So while it may still be early in the season, a historic loss like this doesn’t bode well for the rest of the campaign. You’ve got the personnel in the squad to seriously challenge for the title. Either revamp your “tactics” or use part of your large paycheck to outsource the coaching aspect of your job. Otherwise results like this will no longer be considered anomalous, but routine. And that’s bad for your managerial health.

1st

Schalke

What You Know: If baseball’s Chicago Cubs had a baby with the Red Sox prior to 2004, Schalke would be the offspring.

What You Don’t: All things both good and bad must end.

What to Expect: Yes, Campeones! I say that, bucking all trends, and knowing full well that Schalke could be leading the league by 6 points going into the last week and still pull a fubar.

But I look at this team, and quite frankly, it’s just better than Bayern Munich. Rakatic, Farfan and Jones are an amazing attacking three with Zé Roberto, Streit, Varela and PPA (poor people’s Altintop) to provide options. In Engelaar and Ernst they have the perfect double pivot, with Ernst the ball winner and Engelaar the deep-set passer.

Bordon, Westermann and Krstajic? (a fantastic man marker) are bookended by two of the best fullback in the Bundesliga in Olympiad Rafinha and D.J. Christian Pander. Behind them sits Manuel Neuer, who while prone to a young mistake on occasion is brilliant 98% of the time.

And with Kuranyi they have a forward that can hold, distribute, release, find space and finish. They can switch mid-contest to a 4–4-2 and play Farfan with Kuranyi, and Rutten can even call upon Asamoah, Lovenkrands or Sanchez.

So along with the talent, they have new attack-minded trainer Fred Rutten, who has at his disposal the most versatile side in the league. They can move from a 4–2-3–1 to a 4–1-4–1, 4–4-2 or 4–3-3 in one move. If the tactical acumen that we are led to believe exists in Rutten, they will win the league. No blowing it on the last weekend.

2nd

Bayern Munich

What You Know: Jurgen Something. I forget.

What You Don’t: It’s F.C. Bayern. What could you possibly not know about a team that has more press coverage that Lindsay Lohan.

What to Expect: I am alone on this, which will make me either a genius or quickly forgotten, but I don’t think they have what it takes for the Bundesliga this time around. I think the UCL they may well win, but Jurgen hasn’t proven to anyone he can handle a year-long schedule. On top of that, will he see that the team is built for a 4–2-3–1 or will he continue to force, as Ottmar Hitzfeld did, two lone forwards into a dual attacking line. He will be granted amnesty on this choice while his talisman returns from his Euro injury, but he is in for a headache when Ribery returns.

Also putting your faith in a kid at goalkeeper is a big gamble. Rensing could be the bomb. He could also fold under the pressure and demands of Germany’s biggest club. Also does Jurgen have the will-power to keep Lucio from exposing his defense. It was Hitzfeld’s greatest accomplishment last year, but I doubt someone Lucio would call “the kid” is going to keep him from leaving Demichelis wishing he had stayed a DM.

3rd

Wolfsburg

What You Know: Felix Magath won two doubles as manager of Bayern. After a slow start two seasons ago, he took up the position at Wolfsburg, but he has done so as the one true English manager in the Bundesliga. He guided Wolfsburg to 5th place last year.

What You Don’t: He has a Puerto Rican father and thus he’s the most famous person on this list who hasn’t won a Grammy.

What to Expect: Christian Zaccardo and Andrea Barzagli would be a massive signing for any team not in Milan or Turin. The fact that a factory town has two world cup winners should make everyone pay attention. The fact that Magath has taken over and built a young squad with good chemistry and excellent conditioning should scare them. I think this team is going to be in Champions League next year.

With Misomovic already to take the mantle of playmaker, the move of Marcelinho to Flamengo has me even more convinced. Too much went through the aging captain, and that might have been fine when the squad was dodgy, but not with all the talent the have now. They should benefit from an attack that doesn’t have to go through one man.

4th

Bayer Leverkusen

What You Know: I heart Rene Alder

What You Don’t: No court order will keep us apart.

What to Expect: I joke about Rene Adler, but seriously, he is the only keeper in the world who I watch a game just to see his exploits. When he’s on his game, he’s impossible to beat. Add to the best keeper in the world (I mean that), a young talented squad with the likes of Simon Rofles, Tranquillo Barnetta, Gonzalo Castro, Arturo Vidal and Stefan Kiessling. Add to that mix new signings Patrick Helmes, Henrique and Renato Augusto, and they have the makings of a team that will slip in and out of the top three for most of the season.

This biggest question mark for the Werkself is new trainer Bruno Labbadia. If the up and coming manager has the personality to focus this young team and the tactics to win games, there’s no reason they can’t be playing for Champions League this season. I personally think he will be up to the task, but they won’t have enough to get to their traditional spot of #2.

5th

Werder Bremen

What You Know: Diego is off to the Olympics, which sucks for Werder, but has meant that nobody came in with offers for the highly sought after midfielder.

What You Don’t: The Team Motto is “Defense Schmefense”

What to Expect: We know they can score. That’s not an issue. Werder’s problem is always a lack of defense. They are capable of thrashing teams, but are also able to lose focus at home to the likes of Bochum. With Per Mertesacker out for the beginning of the season, Sebastian Prodl will have to step in and partner Naldo in central defense. The problem is that Prodl was most likely brought in to be the understudy for the erratic Naldo. Putting a promising kid with Naldo, when Torsten Frings plays a loose version of a DM, is a recipe for disaster, especially when the keeper Tim Wiese is prone to blunders. Additionally their two fullbacks, Fritz and Pasanen are more attack minded than defense minded. With all of that in mind, Werder’s defense could cause them massive headaches this season.

6th

Hamburg

What You Know: Rafael van der Vaart has left, taking his bad attitude and hot wife with him.

What You Don’t: His teammates aren’t distraught.

What to Expect: Martin Jol’s ability to turn a squad of crap into a good side is being proven on a daily basis as Spurs are stripped of the players that Juande Ramos doesn’t consider good enough. Jol got that squad to two 5th place finishes, by some miracle, over in the Premiership. At Hamburg, Jol actually has a lot more talent than he did at Tottenham. Perhaps he lacks the superstar quality of Dimitar Berbatov, but his midfield, even with the loss of van der Vaart, is better. Piotr Trochowski, Jonathan Pitroipa and Romeo Castelen (when healthy) can open up most defenses while de Jong and Jarolim can lock down a midfield. A solid defense and the most underrated keeper in the league will keep them in most games.

The worry for HSV is the strikeforce of Ivica Olic, Paulo Guerrero and Mohamed Zidan. They haven’t been the most productive strikers and if they can’t finish, HSV will become nil-draw specialists.

7th

Hannover 96

What You Know: Robert Enke is the heir apparent to Jens as Germany’s #1.

What You Don’t: Their nickname is die Rotten, which sounds really cool until you translate it and it becomes “the Reds”. Commies!

What to Expect: Here’s a name you don’t know, but should: Arnold Bruggink. The 31 year old Dutch playmaker has been leading Hannover’s turn of fortunes as they have finished 12th, 11th and 8th since he joined. Overshadowed by the likes of Ribery, Diego, van der Vaart and Marcelinho, he has been one of the most creative forces in Germany since he moved. Surrounded by the likes of Jan Rosenthal, Szabolcs Huszti, Sergio Pinta and Altin Lala, while Hanno Balitsch cleans up behind him, Hannover’s midfield is an obvious strength.

By upgrading the defense in front of the solid Robert Enke by adding Mario Eggimann to replace an aging Michael Tarnat to go along with work-horse Steve Cherundolo as well as Frank Fahrenhorst, Valerien Ismael and Christian Schultz, Dieter Hecking’s side have strengthened significantly in a weak area.

In addition, the two new forwards in Jan Schlaudraff and Mikael Forssell is a huge upgrade on the hot and cold Mike Hanke and should take the impetus off the midfield to provide goals as well as service. Last week I did a “best transfer” list and leaving Jan Schlaudraff off of it will be a huge mistake.

8th

Eintracht Frankfurt

What You Know: Come on. Be honest. You don’t know anything about Frankfurt.

What You Don’t: Friedhelm Funkel, who henceforth will be referred to as da Funkenshizzle, has steadily improved this once yo-yo team and they can contend for Europe.

What to Expect: Da Funkenshizzle has built a team that has an equal measure of youth and experience. But the young guns are where all of the excitement is coming from. Since last January, Frankfurt have added Markus Steinhöfer, Umit Korkmaz, Habib Bellaid and Martin Fenin. All of them are highly regarded youth players. Capturing Fenin was one of the biggest coups by a smaller club in a long time.

If these kids can start to gel with the existing spine that includes holder Junichi Inamoto, captain Amanatidis, the underrated Markus Proll, playmaker Alexander Meier and defender Christoph Spycher; Frankfurt could be more than a mid-table team this year. Add to that the free transfers of veterans Zlatan Bajramovic from Schalke and Nikos Liberopoulos from AEK and da Funkenshizzle has had one of the most impressive off-seasons of any trainer in the Bundesliga.

9th

Stuttgart

What You Know: Jens Lehmann is a douche bag and a crap keeper.

What You Don’t: Knowing that, he’s still a 100 fold improvement over Rafael Schaefer, who might have had one of the worst seasons ever in the Bundesliga. I mean the word awful doesn’t do his performance justice.

What to Expect: Welcome to mid-table mediocrity. The Swabians may have one of the hottest commodities on the planet in Mario Gomez, but while good at developing talent, they have proven themselves to be poor purchasers of talent. Adding a couple of questionable EPL castoffs isn’t reason to believe that they can be any better this year, than they were last year. While Pardo is a great holding mid, he’s getting old. Letting their best player from last year, Fernando Meira, go is not the best way to shore up a defense that doesn’t impress. Bouhlarouz has been a shell of the player he was at Hamburg. While they have been making questionable choices in the market, Schalke, Wolfsburg, Bayern and Bayer have been signing quality. If things go right, like it did two years ago, they could push for a UEFA Cup slot, but I am not confident of this. I think that Armin Veh will be the first trainer to lose his job this campaign.

10th

Hertha Berlin

What You Know: If Marko Pantelic gets hit by a bus, the league has been instructed to drop them to Zweite immediately.

What You Don’t: They are changing their name to Herta Berlinho. They now have five Brazilians. Their fortunes ride on how many of them are “talented” Brazilians.

What to Expect: They are in the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play rule. I’d advise them to avoid red-cards again. This is a team that might be a year away from being the real deal, and if the management gives trainer Lucien Favre time to mold this very young team with a lot of potential, then it could pay dividends by next season. If they put undo pressure on him to deliver the goods, they will surely fire him as Hertha should run hot and cold as the kids gel as a unit. And all the hard work to get rid of the trash (such as Dejegah, Minero and da Prince) and bring in a new core, such as Cicero, Kaka, Domovchiyski, Goyko, Rodnei, Amine Chermiti and Marc Stein, will be for naught. Chermiti signed too late to make my best transfer list, but by all accounts the Tunisian Maradonna is lights-out and this 20 year old kid will make you want to watch Hertha this year.

11th

Borussia Dortmund

What You Know: The first club publicly traded on the German stock exchange, financial mismanagement has seen this powerhouse turn into a laughing stock of German football. Things look set to change.

What You Don’t: With their colors, one might think an official nickname like the Bee’s would be on the cards; however, their official name is Die Schwarzgelben, which goalkeeper Roman Weidenfeller does not like one bit.

What to Expect: Jürgen Klopp’s enthusiasm gets even me excited. And I have no specific feelings about Germany’s second biggest team. But I do feel that BVB has turned a corner financially, and have brought in a coach that could take them back to their former glory. This man took Mainz to the Bundesliga and kept them up for three years. That’s a phenomenal achievement.

And who did Klopp bring with him from Mainz? The internationally sought best defender in Zweite last year Neven Subotic. He’s already a vast improvement over the ancient Worms, who showed his age last year. It would seem they hope to make him the cornerstone of their defense with loanee Mats Hummels, if they can make his move from Bayern permanent. That is a juicy sounding U20 pairing. Time will tell how good it can be.

If the keep hold of winger Jakub Blaszczykowski, they have a vastly improved midfield over last season with the additions of playmaker Hajnal and the return of FM legend Nuri Sahin. With Federico, Kehl, Tinga and Marc-André Kruska, they are loaded in the middle. Up front, they have depth with Alexander Frei, Nelson Valdez and Mladen Petric.

I see BVB improving over last year’s performance. Klopp and his young defense will need time to settle, and I hope the management will have as much patience as I am willing to give. They are still in dire need of a decent keeper; otherwise, I would have them higher. By next year, Dortmund fans could be very happy indeed.

12th

Borussia Mönchengladbach

What You Know: Borussia has turned into the biggest yo-yo club in the world. However their new state of the art stadium should provide them with the footing to rebuild their reputation in the coming years.

What You Don’t: How to pronounce their name. Don’t worry…we all fake it.

What to Expect: The only move that mattered in this off-season was holding onto 19 year old phenom Marko Marin. His arrival to the Bundesliga dwarfs any of the big transfers, as everybody wants to see how he performs at the highest level. But Jos Luhukay and Christian Ziege, the training duo, do not preside over a one man team.They have a deep squad with youth and experience. Most of that experience comes in the form of Oliver Neuville, the ageless wonder. He partners Canadian Rob Friend up top and the pair chipped in 33 goals combined last year. The service of Marcel Ndjeng, Sascha Rösler and Marin is top notch and they can be expected to score a few this year as well.

Their biggest concern is their defense, which has significant changes, from the best defense in Zwei last year. If Callsen-Bracker and Juares settle in quickly, they should be fine.

13th

Karlsruhe

What You Know: They were the surprise package of last campaign, flirting with Europe before dragging across the finish line in 11th.

What You Don’t: I want chicken every time I look at their crest.

What to Expect: I think they have what it takes to avoid the sophomore slump. They were unfortunate to lose playmaker Tamás Hajnal to BVB and CB Mario Eggimann to Hannover. Both were integral parts of the team that won the Zweite and did so well last year. However, they shrewdly picked up Antônio da Silva to replace Hajnal as a creator. In addition, they raided Hansa for Tim Sebastian to replace Eggimann. They lost very little in talent, although a bit in cohesion, but it should be enough to keep them up for another year.

They held onto some of the key components of last year’s team, such as Joshua Kennedy, who they picked up in January and immediately started building the team around. It’s no coincidence that their late season dip corresponded to his injury. Markus Miller turned out to be a top notch goalkeeper, and holding onto him is basically the difference between relegation and staying up. Freekick specialist Massimilian Porcello, highly underrated fullback Christian Eichner, the versatile Iashvilli and Michael Mutzel all return to Edmund Becker’s side. While I can’t see them pushing as high as they did last year, they look to be a fixture in the league for years to come with this progressive trainer.

14th

Köln

What You Know: Christoph Daum, the disgraced manager that lost out on a chance to coach the German nationals, has rebuilt his reputation and has pledged himself to the club that first game him a chance after playing. Having won trophies in Turkey and Austria, and being one of the biggest also-rans in Bundesliga history, he has as much pedigree as any manger outside of Magath.

What You Don’t: Three times they have secured promotion recently. Three times they have made a hasty retreat. Also goats seem to be very gigantic in that region.

What to Expect: A team that barely won promotion used its resources wisely to add an international holder in Petit, the Superliga’s best defender in Pedro Geromel and Duisburg’s Ishiaku. The latter unfortunately takes the place of their “chubby” captain Patrick Helmes, who has joined Bayer Leverkusen. Overall they have a solid defensive spine, which kept Karlsruhe up last year. With the Columbian Mondragon in goal the Canuck Kevin McKenna to partner the highly anticipated Geromel, they are looking solid in this area. That alone will make them capable of surviving the year. How their attack survives without Helmes will indicate their ability to move beyond 15th.

15th

TSG Hoffenheim

What You Know: SAP. Yeah that SAP, the world’s largest business software provider. Dietmar Hopp, the former Hoffenheim youth player is one of the founders. He has been the team’s backer since 1990 when they were in the eighth tier of German football.

What You Don’t: Hoffenheim (pop 3K) is a suburb of the tiny town of Sinsheim (pop. 33K), which is essentially a suburb of Camryn Manheim (pop 325K), who hasn’t been able to get work in Hollywood due to her gravitational force. So when people call it the world’s richest village team, they aren’t kidding.

What to Expect: I want them to succeed. I really do. I think it would be one of the best stories in football. I think I am going with my heart when I pick them for 15th, rather than my brain. However, I can point to their phenomenal infrastructure and the new stadium in January as reasons to believe they can survive.

They have not enhanced much over last season’s side. Admittedly, they already had some solid midfield play in Carlos Eduardo and Sejad Salihovic, and the fact that they held onto them might be more important than who they brought in. Mostly it comes down to their strike force of Demba Ba and Chinedu Obasi. Are they good enough for this level? Or will goals be like Camryn’s feet: Not often spotted.

Relegation

Bochum

What You Know: Bochum is one of the oldest sporting clubs in Germany. I typically feel older just watching them.

What You Don’t: If you pronounce the “ch” in the middle of their name as a hard “k” sound rather than a guttural “h” sound, rabid spider monkeys will attack your genitals with a hammer. I’ve seen it happen and it ain’t pretty.

What to Expect: Not good. I know they seem like a mid-table side, but their comfortable position last year had much to do with the under-performance of bigger sides like Nuremburg, BVB and Hertha as well as the large number of poor sides that resided in the bottom half. The newly promoted sides this year are one of the strongest crops in a while. And Dortmund are getting better.When your best players are Stanislav Sestak and Shinji Ono, and you can point to keeping them as being a sign of progress, you are bound for a rough ride.

Arminia Bielefeld

What You Know: The King is dead. We will miss Zuma the Puma (much like he missed the net). Long live the new King: Katongo the Tsunami!

What You Don’t: There is not one Armenian on their squad. What’s up with that?

What to Expect: Trainer Michael Frontzeck is highly experienced in easing a team into the Zweite after doing it with Aachen. His experience should be helpful this year. However, one can never predict with confidence the demise of Arminia, as they will inevitably bring back Ernst Middendorp, who could save them this year.…AGAIN.

Energie Cottbus

What You Know: Their squad wasn’t raided this year by bigger clubs.

What You Don’t: There’s a reason their squad wasn’t raided by bigger clubs.

What to Expect: Hey, if they give us another great match like their home victory over Bayern Munich, it will be a fantastic parting gift before returning to Zweite.

The Deutsche Presse Agentur released a poll yesterday about predictions for the upcoming season. Bayern Munich was the unanimous favorite of Bundesliga coaches to repeat as champions. The most common reason given was the quality of Jürgen Klinsmann’s squad. What follows is a hasty translation of what each of the 18 gaffers had to say about Bayern Münich beginning with Klinsmann himself and the rest following in alphabetical order:

Jürgen Klinsmann (Bayern München): “Our own expectation is that we will be German champions. Titles are expected at Bayern.”

Edmund Becker (Karlsruher SC): “Bayern Munich are the favorites. Schalke and Bremen could try to exert some pressure on them from behind.”

Christoph Daum (1. FC Köln): “The title goes through Bayern Munich, because they have the best personnel by far. After that probably comes Schalke and Bremen, while I’m very excited about Wolfsburg, who have invested a lot in new arrivals.”

Lucien Favre (Hertha BSC): “Bayern Munich, because they have the best squad. Schalke and Werder will try to make life hard for them.”

Michael Frontzeck (Arminia Bielefeld ): “Bayern Munich have, by a wide distance, the best squad. Six national team players sit on the bench there. Bremen, Hamburg, Wolfsburg and Schalke will be on their tail.”

Friedhelm Funkel (Eintracht Frankfurt): “Bayern Munich, because they have the strongest squad, professional management and the best prerequisites. ”

Dieter Hecking (Hannover 96): “Last year I said Schalke, this time even I’m betting on Bayern Munich. I hope, however, that their dominance isn’t so marked.”

Martin Jol (Hamburger SV): “Bayern Munich are favorites for the championship every season.”

Jürgen Klopp (Borussia Dortmund): “Bayern are always the favorites. They have the most options and the best squad. I’m really thankful that Jürgen Klinsmann introduced to the public training methods that we Bundesliga coaches have been using for years. It’s that old song: If 12 sandbags in Mainz are knocked over, no one’s interested. With the national team or at Bayern a single grain would suffice.”

Marcel Koller (VfL Bochum): “The usual suspects will be playing for the championship: Bayern Munich, Schalke 04 and Werder Bremen, maybe a surprise team as well. But Bayern are the clear favorites. They have the best quality squad.”

Bruno Labbadia (Bayer Leverkusen): “Bayern are, considering both the quality and quantity of their players, the best positioned.”

Jos Luhukay (Borussia Mönchengladbach): “Bayern München!”

Felix Magath (VfL Wolfsburg): “Bayern Munich will be champions. We want to affirm our pre-season position and reach an international competition once again.”

Bojan Prasnikar (Energie Cottbus): “My tip is Bayern Munich. They haven’t lost any key personnel and strengthened their squad. There isn’t another team in the Bundesliga with access to such a high quality, balanced squad.”

Ralf Rangnick (1899 Hoffenheim): “I think that Bayern, as usual, will get the title.”

Fred Rutten (Schalke 04): “Bayern Munich are always favorites in the Bundesliga, but Schalke have progressed well over the years and are always playing near the top. We want to do that again this year.”

Thomas Schaaf (Werder Bremen): “Bayern are once more the class of the league. But all the teams who were at the top last season have a shot again at the title.”

Armin Veh (VfB Stuttgart): “Bayern Munich are the odds-on favorites. Whoever has the biggest budget and spends the most money is favored. That’s how it is in this business.”

The fixtures for the opening day of the 2008/2009 Bundesliga season have been announced. All of these matches will be played on Saturday, August 16:

FC Bayern v Hamburg
Schalke v Hannover
Wolfsburg v Cologne
Bayer Leverkusen v Borussia Dortmund
Eintracht Frankfurt v Hertha Berlin
Karlsruhe v Bochum
Energie Cottbus v Hoffenheim
Arminia Bielefeld v Werder Bremen
B. Mönchengladbach v Stuttgart

One of the most interesting matches will be between current Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich and Hamburg. Both teams will feature new managers. Jürgen Klinsmann for Bayern, and Martin Jol for Hamburg.