FC Bayern v Hamburg
Schalke v Hannover
Wolfsburg v Cologne
Bayer Leverkusen v Borussia Dortmund
Eintracht Frankfurt v Hertha Berlin
Karsruhe v Bochum
Energie Cottbus v Hoffenheim
Arminia Bielefeld v Werder Bremen
B. Mönchengladbach v Stuttgart

One of the most interesting matches will be between current Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich and Hamburg. Both teams will feature new managers. Jurgen Klinsmann for Bayern, and Martin Jol for Hamburg.

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Who are they? FC Nistru Otaci, founded in 1953. 

How did they get here? 3rd in the Moldovan National Division.

Where do they play? Stadionul Calarasauca, a tiny 3000-seat stadium.  It would, no doubt, fit comfortably inside the underground parking garages of Berlin’s Olympiastadion.  Nevertheless, its capacity is slightly more than 1/3rd Otaci’s population.  The city itself is located in the extreme northeast of Moldova, famous for its wine (maybe) and, no joke, sharing a name with a Turkish skin care company.  Otaci is situated along the banks of the Danube across from Ukraine (which no doubt explains the presence of so many Ukrainians in the squad).

Domestic Pedigree: 2005 saw FC Nistru lift the Modolvan Cup after defeating FC Dacia 1-0, the club’s only success to date.  Incredibly, however, FC Nistru have been losing finalists eight (8!) times, including two defeats in extra time and three more in penalty shootouts.  The team’s “almost, but not quite” form is mirrored in its league performances.  It has been unable to break the duopoly of FC Zimbru Chisinau and FC Sheriff Tiraspol atop the table, who between them have won 16 of the 17 championships contested since 1992 (Constructorul Chisinau being the exception in 1996-97).

European Glory: In short, none.  If forced to choose, well, they were unlucky to go out to Honved on penalties in last year’s UEFA Cup first qualifying round.  Honved was the team of  Puskás, Kocsis, et al. who comprised the bulk of the Hungary’s Magical Magyars in the early 1950s.  So European glory by distant, distant ridiculously tenuous association.

Well, that’s interesting:  After Moldovans and Ukranians you might be surprised to learn that Cameroonians (all two of them) make up the team’s third largest contingent.  I haven’t the slightest idea why.

Prediction: Hertha Berlin will settle for a draw away and play for the win at home, leading to a comfortable (and conservatively estimated) 3-1 aggregate victory.

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So who is this year’s worthy winner?

3. Grafite (Edinaldo Batista Líbano) - VfL Wolfsburg, Striker (9 Yellows, 1 Red)
Grafite begins this countdown, barely edging out Tomasz Zdebel for third place (who had comparable numbers, but in more games and with a less interesting name). His 9 yellows and 1 red were earned in just 22 starts for Wolfsburg this season. This was a significant increase from his numbers the previous year with Le Mans in the French Ligue 1. Across the board he improved in goals, assists, and yellow cards per game. It appears as though he’s adapted to the Bundesliga quite well. Look for him to make a strong push for the top spot next season (and on the scoring charts as well).

2. Mark Van Bommel - Bayern München, Midfielder (7 Yellows, 2 Reds)
No one does it with less class on a consistent basis than Mark Van Bommel. An entire article full of youtube clips could be dedicated to his antics. In the 26 Bundesliga games he started this season (undoubtedly it would have been more had it not been for the constant suspensions) he made quite an impression and online readers of the German tabloid Bild duly voted him this year’s “Stinkstiefel” (”stinking boot”). Statistics aside, he’d likely win the Eurovision vote-in equivalent for least likeable player.

1. Mihai Tararache - MSV Duisburg, Midfielder (13 Yellows, 1 Red)
While a bit of subjectivity marked the decision to put Van Bommel and Grafite on the list Tararache is without doubt the only choice to win. It would be a bit harsh to suggest that Tararache’s antics alone doomed Duisburg to drop, but his 13 yellows and 1 red certainly didn’t help. It would not be unfair to mention that his on the field performances sealed Duisburg’s spot at the bottom of the Bundesliga’s fairplay rankings. So while he will likely not be around next season to defend his trophy, how does he compare to the worst offenders of some of the other major European leagues? Not well, honestly:

Spain - The league may be lauded for its players’ technical skill but they’re also either very tenacious or very sloppy in going after the ball. Mihai Tararache, the Bundesliga’s poor discipline standard bearer would do no better than sixth behind Daniel Alves, Fernando Amorebieta, Sergio Ramos, Roberto Ayala, and Aitor Ocio. Interestingly enough both Fernando Amorebieta and Aitor Ocio play for Athletic Bilbao, perhaps the Bundesliga could learn something from the Basques?

Italy - While not quite as outrageous a disciplinary situation as in Spain, it seems as though everyone in Serie A is required to end the season with at least half a dozen yellows. Tararache would place third behind Manuele Blasi and Morris Carrozzieri (while a strong argument can be made for Napoli’s Maurizio Domizzi above Tararache as well).

England - Reliable old England. Finally something the Germans can proudly say we do better than the English (not including World Cups, European Championships, Health care, etc.): player indiscipline. Mihai Tararache would comfortably place first (having played in a league with fewer games to boot) ahead of Nicky Butt, Nigel Reo-Coker, and Christopher Samba.

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The names of the other squads returning to Europe has a familiar ring to them:

Both Bremen and Schalke return to the Champions League with Bremen automatically qualifying this year and Schalke going into the third qualifying round.

Hamburg, last year’s Intertoto Cup “winner”, enters the Uefa Cup proper joined by a Wolfsburg team who in 2006-07 had finished 15th, the last safe spot above the relegation zone, and Dortmund who had an uninspiring year but were runners-up in the DFB Cup.

Hertha Berlin are fortunate to be in Europe this year, being the lucky recipients of a Fair Play UEFA Cup first round qualifying place along with Manchester City and Denmark’s FC Nordsjælland.

Finally Stuttgart, the ex-reigning champs, have the pleasure of playing in the Intertoto Cup’s third round where, if they’re as lucky as Hamburg was last year, they’ll get to play a team from Moldova. The Intertoto Cup is slated to be abolished in 2009, so if Stuttgart (or any other German club) still has designs on European silverware the time is running out.

Bayer Leverkusen and Nürnberg both failed to emulate last year’s success. Leverkusen just missed out on a spot in Europe with their 7th place finish. Nürnberg took matters one step further by not only avoiding Europe but the 1. Bundesliga as well, choosing relegation instead. Being relegated as reigning DFB Cup holders stands proudly alongside the club’s unique achievement of winning the league one year (1968) and being relegated the next.

Joining Nürnberg are Hansa Rostock and MSV Duisburg, two squads who gained promotion only the year before. Karlsruhe, comfortable winners of the 2. Bundesliga, finished a respectable 11th in the table.

The 1. Bundesliga welcomes in their place two old faces: five-time champions Borussia Mönchengladbach and three-time champions FC Köln, and one very new one: 1899 Hoffenheim. Hoffenheim is only two years removed from playing in Regionalliga Süd, one of the various third tier leagues (soon to be replaced by a nation-wide 3. Liga). It is difficult to imagine them surviving beyond their inaugural season in the highest division, but they are sure to gain numerous fans from around the football-starved Heidelberg area in southwestern Germany.

As for the other clubs? Hannover, Frankfurt, Bochum, Cottbus and Bielefeld did just enough to stay within the safe band of clubs between spots 7 and 15 on the table to avoid mention. Sure, Cottbus and Bielefeld flirted continually with relegation throughout the season, but did just enough in the end. The rest managed to be solid, anonymous mid-table clubs. Consistent adequacy may not be glamorous, but it is reassuring.

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With two games remaining a total of six points is all that distinguishes the bottom five squads from one another. Three: Rostock, Duisburg, and Nürnberg technically inhabit the relegation zone with 27, 29, and 31 points respectively. Bielefeld (32 pts) and Cottbus (33) are flirting with danger, being out of immediate harm’s way BUT having two of the three worst goal differentials in the league (lowly Rostock rounds out this ignominious trio).

How will this shake out?

Hansa Rostock - Relegated. They need two wins and a lot of help. It’s not inconceivable they’ll defeat Bochum in week 34. They won 2-0 (at home) in December, but by week 34 it will already be too late. Unfortunately for Rostock they face a determined Leverkusen side hoping to steal a UEFA cup spot from Hamburg or Stuttgart.

MSV Duisburg - Relegated. It all comes down to their final game against Eintracht Frankfurt after presumably losing this week to Bayern. While they’re unlikely to get sufficient points to force their way out of the drop zone, their schedule is best suited for doing so (at least dramatically). In short, don’t be completely surprised if Duisburg should leapfrog Nürnberg and Bielefeld to safety.

1. FC Nürnberg - Relegated. It’s a shame, really. They’ve become a classic yo-yo club and seem destined to go down yet again. They have the talent to get a draw away at Hertha Berlin but that’s it. The final week sees a Schalke side visit intent on securing an automatic Champions League spot. A valiant, but ultimately futile effort. Goodbye Bayern München and 1. Bundesliga, hello TSV 1860 München and 2. Bundesliga.

Arminia Bielefeld - Safe. Had Bielefeld been forced to play Dortmund away they would end up being relegated after losing to them and Stuttgart in succession. As it stands, they manage to avoid the drop, barely, by drawing at home to Dortmund.

Energie Cottbus - Safe. Their meager points cushion is enough to see them through to another season of top flight football by default. Not a particularly inspiring example, no last gasp heroics, just the good fortune of being the best of a bad bunch.

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Gladbach will play against FC Dallas and Colorado Rapids during a 10-day pre-season training camp, which will commence on July 13 in Commerce, Colorado. No dates have yet been announced for when the teams will play each other.

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If you’re interested in writing for the site, please email me at thegaffer[at]epltalk.com

Cheers,
The Gaffer

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